he doesn`t see it !! i feel so fickle and selfish but i love rjay. yes i know you have heard these words used on a thousand people but i have only meant it to a few. i don`t know why rjay always seems to be last man standing. seeing him today was complete hell because i know he doesn`t know all these things i am thinking. it has probably never crossed his mind that i still dream of things happening between us and that i still wonder what it would be like if we could fulfill each other`s dreams again. actually, i don`t even know if he is still dreaming about me. it`s killing me when i don`t know and it`s SUICIDE when i can`t even manage to ask him. i told him to listen to a perfect circle.. ya know that 3 libras song.. and i played it and listened and it made me miserable to think that he doesn`t think about me anymore.. or to think that he doesn`t love me like he did before.. and all these thoughts are just driving me insane! i can dream and dream and WISH for a kiss but it would call for a god damn miracle for that to happen. he has probably forgotten the idea of kissing and telling each other how it felt to see if there is still something between us. shit.. i thought these feelings were long gone and over with. i shoved them in the back of my heart and locked them up hoping to never feel like this again. but it is ALL coming back and i love him all over again... awww FUCK me man i screwed the hell up

on rotation - kai _ i want to be your man
i have this WEIRD kai obession.. haha i downloaded MAD SONGS and all of them are so slow and depressing.. :sniff: it reminds me of how fickle i am haha.. i was thinkin about jay a lot recently.. i talked to his bro carlo and got jay`s number in PI so i could text him but i think i won`t even bother. i have a feeling that i will just miss him and like him more and then when he comes back to stay, he is gonna be with ninz. well ninz if there is any chance you`re reading this.. i juss wanna say make is last with lil kris. and then hook me up wid your kuya tonet.. haha SEE i am so fickle. oh well life goes on `=P


wells rose is passed out right now and it`s only midnight.. we were up tiL 6 am last nite so i`m kinda surprised we`re not up exercising or something. haha well i got MAD PLANS happening so i don`t know whens the next time that i`ll hit up this blogspot or xanga.. let`s see..



07.16 _ youth group meeting at 2:00

07.17 _ youth group reunion BBQ at 6:00

07.18 _ teen nite at sandbar USA

07.19 _ ozzfest 2002!!!

07.20 _ beach / carlo`s party



haha too good to be true.. rose is awake. i guess we MIGHT be exercising at 4am today.. haha well we`re gonna watch a movie.. i`m out buh byes

on rotation - saves the day _ i`m sorry i`m leaving
damn. what kind of shit is this? i just found that enricco puts me down on purpose just so he could be the one to make me feel better. honestly, most of time he isn`t even the one who brings up my spirits again. it`s usually rose since she`s my best est est est est friend in the whole wide world [right rosey] hehe or juno cuz he has my best friend corona with him.. and sometimes.. well a MAJORITY of the time.. it`s RJAY.. yeah believe it or not he offers me this weird understanding. i can make no sense whatsoever and he will be like "yeahh i know what you mean" and things like that make me wanna take things further with him.. i seriously don`t understand this selfish bullshit that enricco believes in. like i was tellin rjay, it is so selfish for someone to put me down on purpose so they could be higher up my corporate ladder of guys. [ lols.. then we both laughed about the idea] but I`M SERIOUS. it is so fucking selfish! i`m am so SICK of being so nice and letting people step all over me!! i don`t fucking think so enricco!! i don`t need to put up with your shit anymore and NO i did NOT need rjays help to realize that if you happen to be reading.. i can do things on my own you know?! what i DID need rjays help for was realizing that i don`t even need to wallow in my misery over you. i have no problems what so ever breaking all the dumb yet incessant promises. i will not put up with you TESTING me. that shows that you don`t trust me and i think that is unfair.. it is UN-FUCKING-FAIR!! you KNOW that i am STILL getting over rjay.. actually you also know that i am still in LOVE with rjay so how the fuck are you gonna walk into my life.. claim me as all yours.. throw a fit when i`m with other people partyin then say you fucking trust me?! and i thought ME AND RJAY`S relationship was horrible.. at least i trusted him and that trust was RETURNED. i thought it would be the same way with me and you because we started off the same way.. online convo`s all night then suddenly i`m in love. i admit it could possibly MY flaw for falling so fast but what is unfair is that YOU let me.. and i`m not gonna single you out because rjay kinda let me fall too.. but at least me and him LASTED.. and we`re kinda still lasting because me and him are BEST FRIENDS now.. so suck up your pride and shove your masochist thoughts up your ass because i`m not gonna be treated like shit all over again



*takes a breath* damn.. a lot of shit right there. and as usual.. i`ve got RJAY as last man standing. he is like president/VP/CEO on my "corporate ladder" right now.. he`s good enough to take up all 3 spots `=P lols.. i`ve got ricco down in sanitation maintenance and jay is like stock room because he is kinda missing.. lols and tek has just been promoted out of his cubicle to his own office because he knows computer shit.. haha maybe i am the most indecisive person like rjay said.. but if i were told to make a choice, i would be able to confidently choose and then make it LAST...



i need to believe in love again because so far, i`ve seen love as a selfish masochist ASSHOLE!! either that or i beleve i haven`t truely felt it yet..

songs of the moment

MxPx - thought a lot

Satanic Surfers - killing me

Lanemeyer - Neoteny

on rotation - finch _ postscript
a lot of shit happened today.. if you wanna know, go check out my xanga but all i can really think about is damn.. it`s like a never ending rollercoaster. it`s kind of like a rollercoaster that i have been on since LAST SUMMER but whatever, i don`t think the ride is all that bad. i have been talking to rjay a lot lately since i have WAYYY TOOO MUCH free time.. hehe and i think we have re-established what was going on last year. it`s clear that i trust him again and it`s obvious that he pays attention to me. he knows i see eagles, and i love green jello. lol am i overanalyzing?! oh well.. i don`t know. everytime i talk to him i question my happiness. i always feel like he will make me happy [until he hurts me] but somehow, he always is the last man standing in this fickle merry go round of guys i go through.. [did i just ADMIT to being fickle ?] hehe.. i always wonder what it would be like if i were with him. would i be happy? i`d be a bitch to compare, but.. enricco is so demoralizing sometimes. rjay always makes me feel good about myself. like just now i gave him a mini speech on what i wanna be and even though he brought down my grammar, well he made me feel good about myself. if i were to tell enricco that, he would just say something like "you`re never gonna be a rock star.." i don`t care if rjay might be thinking that [lols] at least he found some way around it.. euphemism?! lol screw english class... haha.. alliteration: fun filled friday // enough of that haha.. ~this is where i say i`d had enough.. i don`t want you to ever feel the way that i feel now... a walking open wound.. lols i`m singing to myself. dashboard makes me think about rjay and all the feelings associated with him. love, hate, understanding, frustration, happiness, stress... he`s like a drug.. very HIGHLY addictive and you love it even tho it`s bad for you and it screws you in the end.. or i can put it in ashanti`s words.. you`re like drug - you relieve my pain .. k i`m out.. it`s time for sleep

on rotation - blink182 _ what went wrong
i am so pissed off ! dammit FUCK THE WHOLE GOD DAMN WORLD!! last night i was on the phone with enricco until like 2 in the morning. i would have stayed on the phone until my mom walks into my room and tells me to get off and that i`m grounded and shit.. damn i am so tired of her being up my ass for everything associated with enricco!! i`m gonna quote juno: it`s summer vacation!!! and he is SO DAMN RIGHT!! it`s the fucking summer time and my mom is telling me to sleep early.. FUCK THAT SHIT.. it`s bad enough i can`t go ANYWHERE because i have brat kat to take care of.. DAMMIT!!!!!!!
my day started off like SHIT today!! my dad came into my room at like searching for my phone.. and it was under my pillow so he is all fiercely digging under my pillow and shit. that really pisses me off. it`s MY fucking phone. i pay for HALF the god damn bill and now i can`t even have it ?! what the fuck is up with that?! ok well that was the shit way that my day started off

on rotation - 40 below summer _ step into the sideshow
shit. i am so screwed. i don`t wanna drop any names because i don`t wanna make people feel like shit, but "someone" from the past is kinda back in my life. actually, he never left but suddenly i am just overwhelmed with feelings for him again. i have NO IDEA what provoked it and why i am feeling this way, but the emotions are here and i can`t get rid of them!! there was a meeting today and i was kinda expecting "him" to be there and he wasn`t and for some reason i was upset about it.. like i was actually looking forward to him being there. i know i`m not supposed to care about stupid shit like that because i have a boyfriend and this dude is supposed to be over with.. but i care SO MUCH about what is going on with him. we talked about his ex-girl today and how much of a slut she is. i know he loved her and whatever but i seriously don`t like her. first of all, she burns flesh behind peoples back and she has SERIOUS issues. i joke around with people and say they have major problems.. but this girl has SERIOUS ISSUES.. one of her friends is a TOTAL slut and even this slutty friend is tryin to help her get over her SEX ISSUES.. me and my friends are predicting she will be preganant freshman year of high school. i know it`s a bad thing to even talk about and it is kinda mean to say such things but that girl needs to learn about SELF RESPECT... ok well skip the shit on this bitch.. haha i need to get my shit together.. i have a boyfriend.. i like an old "friend".. and i have a NEW crush.. damn.. i am just NEVER satisfied here !! haha

on rotation - linkin park _ points of authority remix
damn i really hate crushes. it`s all psychological bullshit. i never thought someone could like another person so much even if they have only talked to them once... it`s kind of like an addiction. i get little bits of this dudes emotions and sometimes when he is feeling like shit, i just want to be there for him even though we aren`t close. i don`t know what`s standing in the way.. i wish i could tell him but i would look like a big asshole blabbing about these feeling when i don`t even know the dude. *sigh* why do i get all STUPID around really really AMAZING guys ?! damn FUCK YOU!! i mean FUCK ME!! i`m a jackass.. ok more laters.. buh byes